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Issue 6 > Why needing to be liked causes people to not like you.

Why needing to be liked causes people to not like you.

Peter Murphy on the perils of 'trying too hard'.

Many people seem to think that they need people to like them. The truth is that you don't. All you need to is to like yourself.

When you like yourself, and are comfortable in your own skin, it doesn't matter if people like you or not. When you like yourself you are secure within yourself and this translates into attraction. People are more likely to like you.

The opposite is also true: if you dislike yourself you are more likely to be needy and constantly seek affirmation from others. This can become a strain on your relations with other people and make them less likely to like you.

Needing to be liked says a lot about you. First on that list is insecurity. When you need to be liked you demonstrate insecurity. This means the need to be liked hits directly at our self-concept. Your self-concept then directly affects how you think of others and how you deal with them, and communicate with them, either positively or negatively.

It is in your self-concept that you find self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is about the degree to which you feel comfortable in your own skin. When you are comfortable in your skin you will have developed a liking for ourselves. When we don't like ourselves we want to fill that void through others liking us. When we need to be liked it means we don't like ourselves as much as we should and therefore need others to like us to make ourselves feel complete. That can be quite a responsibility to put on to other people and they will soon become resentful of that.

Your self-concept has everything to do with the needing to be liked. If you have a poor self-concept you will have more of a tendency to behave in such a way as to demonstrate need rather than be able to give positively within your relationships with other people. Most people can tolerate need, when they see it, for a short period of time. But as the relationship develops and they consistently see a need for reassurance within you they will soon see you as burdensome and will begin to develop a dislike for you.

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